CM Punk Breaks Silence on 3:16; It’s a Work!

NOTE: *This is completely satire. Nothing about this post is ACTUAL news. Nada. Jack. Zip. Zilch. We’re merely playing around here. Seriously. This isn’t real. Seriously.*

BREAKING NEWS: Today, on 3/16, CM Punk will shatter the glass, breaking his silence on the situation between him and World Wrestling Entertainment. Punk will be appearing as Phil Brooks on “Talking Dead,” the post-show to AMC’s “The Walking Dead,” a show which utilizes just one hour to put its viewers to sleep nowadays, opposed to WWE’s three.

Wait, Punk is making his return to the spotlight on 3/16? That date is synonymous with WWE Hall of Famer “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. That surely isn’t a coincidence!

To make such a big impact means only one thing.

WHAT?

This is a work between CM Punk and WWE!

WHAT?

CM Punk will be returning at WrestleMania XXX.

WHAT?

To face “Stone Cold.”

WHAT?

In a ball on a pole match.

‘Why is it a work,’ you might ask. For one, it was simply WWE’s plan all along. Since Triple H screwed over Daniel Bryan at SummerSlam, WWE laid the foundation for two things to happen at WrestleMania XXX: Daniel Bryan to take home the championship gold and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin to face CM Punk. Clearly.

WWE’s consistent and genius long-term booking is in full effect, heading to its biggest event. Daniel Bryan joined The Wyatt Family for a week, and then didn’t even enter the 30-man Royal Rumble match, all for the purpose of the slow build. WWE had Batista return, primed for a face run towards the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, knowing the fans would naturally turn on him this way.

And then there was CM Punk. All signs pointed for him to square off with “The Game” at WrestleMania. That’s what WWE wanted you to think. Master manipulator Vince McMahon then went to work. He had CM Punk ‘take his ball home’ just like Austin did, to set up a match between Punk and Triple H at WrestleMania.

Then, the company sprang into action, making the whole situation seem as real as possible. WWE had CM Punk sit around backstage when “Monday Night Raw” came to Chicago, crushing his hometown fans’ hopes of a return. Additionally, the company had AMC bill Punk as ‘Phil Brooks’ to hit the point home even harder.

Today, on 3/16 day, things will no longer be a blur. CM Punk will appear on “Talking Dead” in a ‘Punk 3:16’ shirt. He will act normal, at first, not even mentioning WWE. Then, in a sudden act of rage, Punk will deliver a devastating “Go to Sleep” to host Chris Hardwick through the set’s table. Punk will then set his sights on Norman Reedus, the man who portrays fan-favorite Daryl Dixon.

Before he gets his hands on Reedus, the glass will shatter. From the crowd, Jim Ross will scream, “Austin! Austin! Austin! Austin’s here!” Austin will make the save as Punk escapes through the audience and “Talking Dead” will go off the air, leaving many questions left to be answered on “Monday Night Raw.”

Tomorrow, March 17, guess where “Monday Night Raw” will take place? That’s right. “Raw” is in San Antonio, Texas, near the hometown of none other than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. There, the ‘Texas Rattlesnake” will return and it will be revealed that Steve Austin and CM Punk will clash at WrestleMania XXX.

But one more announcement will be made that night. AMC will announce its purchase of WWE, meaning Katie Vick won’t be the only zombie you can catch on the WWE Network.