Impact Wrestling
Date: November 30, 2023
Location: Battle Arts Academy, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
Commentators: Giuseppe Scovelli Jr., Profession Ignatius Quigley

It’s another special show, but this time it’s like almost nothing else Impact does. This is an IPWF (Impact Provincial Wrestling Federation) show (Throwback Throwdown IV for you historians out there), meaning it’s a parody of 80s show with Impact regulars in very over the top characters. There is actually a bit of continuity over the different shows, which should make for a lot of fun. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

Commentary (Josh Matthews and Alex Shelley) welcome us to the show and run down the card.

The ring announcer runs down the staff, including the commissioner, timekeeper and referee.

Kamikazi vs. Rapid Delivery Pete

That would be a ninja (Mike Bailey) vs. a pizza delivery boy (Rich Swann). Kamikazi scares Pete with some kicks as commentary talks about the merits of wrestling barefoot. Kamikazi strikes him down but Pete grabs an armdrag into an armbar. Back up and another armdrag into the armbar has the fans saying they want pizza. A neck snap across the top gives Kamikazi a breather and he drops Pete again. We hit the abdominal stretch but Kamikazi gets caught grabbing the rope. Pete has to fight out of a sleeper and it’s time for some snap jabs, followed by a splash to finish Kamikazi at 7:09.

Result: Rapid Delivery Pete b. Kamikazi – Splash (7:09)

The unnamed commissioner (Scott D’Amore) hypes up the Fall Maul Tournament, which has wrestlers and fighters of different disciplines facing off. It’s like mixing martial arts! Boris Alexiev (Santino Marella) straight off KILLING Muscles McGhee in the semifinals, is ready to do the same to Tim Burr. Alexiev: “If he dies, he dies.”

DJ 2 Large (Moose, the reigning International Commonwealth Championship (yes championship) is here to dance because he just retained his title at Ghouls Just Want To Have Fun. Bad Man Bart wasn’t good enough to take the title so now he wants all challenges. Apparently the $361,000 Man is coming for the title but Large says said Man has a scrawny neck.

Cue the $361,000 Man (RD Evans) to say in this world, EVERYONE HAS A DOLLAR AMOUNT! Hold on though as we have an update: he is now the $369,000 Man, so how much is that title going to cost him? The official offer is $10,000, but Large’s answer will come in the form of a freestyle: “Go DJ go DJ go, go Dj go DJ go, go DJ go, my answer is no!” That doesn’t work for the Man, so here is the Masked Brother to go after Large. A match is on for later tonight.

Walter Chestnut (Dave Penzer) has recently lost control of the promotion so he’s here with Neptune (Shera) to get a job of any kind. Tonight, he’s ready for Frank The Butch.

Frank The Butcher (Rhino) and Giuseppe Scovelli Sr. (Scott D’Amore, the commissioner/boss) are ready to make mince meat out of Neptune.

We look at Red Letter pinning Lady Bird Johnson last week.

Letter (Jody Threat) wants respect and uses the word rapid, so here is Rapid Delivery Pete to say he gets no respect around here.

Neptune vs. Frank The Butcher

Walter Chestnut and Giuseppe Scovelli Sr. are here too. The fans want the Butcher to chop him up, with the chants getting louder as Butcher shrugs off being rammed into the corner. They go to the floor with Butcher getting posted to slow things down. Chestnut gets in some choking but Neptune dives into a raised boot. Butcher strikes away and hits a hard clothesline for the pin at 3:40.

Result: Frank The Butcher b. Neptune – Clothesline (3:40)

Post match Chestnut and Shera do get jobs….cleaning the arena.

Video on the Hard Workers (Deaner and Jake Something).

Sunday Morning Express vs. Hard Workers

The Express would be Editor-In-Chief (Chris Sabin) and the Paper Boy (Jack Price). Before the match, the Editor talks about how everyone here in Ottawa reads his paper. He’s ready for tomorrow’s headline, which will be about the team winning. The Workers (Ornery Otis Oates and Hard Harry Hall) apparently used to wrestle in Memphis against the Fantastics.

The Editor works on Hall’s arm to start but the Paper Boy won’t tag in, meaning Hall can work on the arm right back. Oates comes in for the strutting….uh, well nothing actually so it’s off to the Paper Boy to work on Oates’ leg. The Editor misses an elbow though and it’s back to Hall to clean house. Everything breaks down and Paper Boy gets in a cheap shot on Hall, allowing the Editor to score the rollup pin at 6:12.

Result: Sunday Morning Express b. Hard Workers – Rollup to Hall (6:12)

Rip Ryzor (Ace Austin) and Rusty Iron (Gia Miller) ask rookie Tommy Dreamer (Tommy Dreamer) for a cigarette, but he doesn’t smoke. Ryzor says Dreamer will never make it in wrestling.

Post break, Dreamer has, uh, relieved himself in someone’s (Brian Myers) bag. Apparently it was supposed to be Ryzor’s, but Myers is sick at the smell. Someone else (Sheldon Jean) comes in with a whistle so Myers vomits on him. Giuseppe Scovelli Sr. comes in and says Walter Chestnut and Neptune have their first assignment.

Rip Ryzor/Rusty Iron vs. Cowboy Colt McCoy/Georgia Cobb

McCoy (Eddie Edwards) is a Canadian cowboy and Cobb (Jordynne Grace) is rather muscular. Ryzor and McCoy start things off but it’s off to Cobb before any contact. Iron comes in as well and gets run over with a quick shoulder. Cobb’s elbow gets two as everything breaks down. McCoy gives Cobb a white cowboy hat and stereo faceplants on the mat have the villains in more trouble.

A Ryzor distraction lets Iron get in a low blow as we take a break. Back with Ryzor getting rolled up and kicked out to the floor, allowing the double tags back to the women. Cobb’s Vader Bomb gets two so Ryzor comes in for a cheap shot. Everything breaks down and McCoy hits a Twist of Fate on Ryzor. Cobb’s airplane spin into a Regal Roll finishes Iron at 10:24.

Result: Cowboy Colt McCoy/Georgia Cobb b. Rip Ryzor/Rusty Iron – Regal Roll to Iron (10:24)

The Masked Brother (Frankie Kazarian) talks about being all over the world and calls out Brody for cheating at cards. There ain’t no other so go tell your mother that you got beat up by the Masked Brother.

We get a preview for Dishonorable Discharge, which appears to be the show taped over last year’s Wrestlemania weekend in Dallas.

Last week, Quincy Cosmos became #1 contender for the Excitement Title.

International Commonwealth Television Title: DJ 2 Large vs. Masked Brother

Brother is challenging and has the $369,000 Man with him. Hold on though as Large goes into the crowd to dance to start. We get a weapons check and the referee finds a hammer, a box cutter and a flashlight on the Brother. Large keeps dancing, even as he has a full nelson on the Brother, who involuntarily dances as well. The Man offers a distraction and is quickly ejected.

We take a break and come back with Large fighting out of a chinlock, meaning it’s more dancing. The legdrop misses though and Brother drops an elbow for two. The referee gets bumped so Large’s clothesline only gets two. Brother is knocked outside so here are Chestnut and Neptune to distract the referee. Cue the Man to send in some goons, who are beaten up by Large. The distraction lets Brother get in a shot with…something, for the pin and the title at 9:27.

Result: Masked Brother b. DJ 2 Large – Weapon shot (9:27)

Here’s what’s coming on next week’s show.

Tim Burr (Josh Alexander, a lumberjack) is ready to defend the memory of Muscles McGhee. Yes he’s a bit scared of this kind of opponent but he’s chopped down a lot of trees.

Fall Maul Tournament Finals: Boris Alexiev vs. Tim Burr

Alexiev (Santino Marella, an evil Russian and former OVW star) has Colonel Corn (Alpha Bravo) with him. Burr grabs a hammerlock to start and chops Alexiev to the floor as commentary tries to figure out this concept of “mixed martial arts”. Back in and Burr hammers away in the corner but Colonel offers a distraction.

Some chops let Alexiev go up top but he gets crotched right back down. Burr takes the suspenders down but gets pulled into a crossface. With that broken up, Burr knocks him off the top but Corn offers another distraction. This time Alexiev tries the claw, only to grab the Colonel by mistake. The distraction lets Burr hit a top rope ax handle for the pin at 6:30.

Result: Tim Burr b. Boris Alexiev – Top rope double ax handle (6:30)

The locker room comes out to celebrate to end the show.

Rapid Delivery Pete b. Kamikazi – Splash
Frank The Butcher b. Neptune – Clothesline
Sunday Morning Express b. Hard Workers – Rollup to Hall
Cowboy Colt McCoy/Georgia Cobb b. Rip Ryzor/Rusty Iron – Regal Roll to Iron
Masked Brother b. DJ 2 Large – Weapon shot
Tim Burr b. Boris Alexiev – Top rope double ax handle

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