If you’ve been watching WWE in recent weeks, you’ve been witness to one of the dumbest storylines the promotion has presented in a very long time. It turns out that there’s a possibility that John Cena, the biggest star in WWE in the last fifteen years and still one of the biggest names in the company today, might not be able to get a match at “Wrestlemania XXXIV”. Let me repeat that: Cena, the WWE’s Golden Boy and someone becoming a bigger name in Hollywood, might not be good enough to make the biggest show of the year.

In a word, this is dumb. No one over the age of eight is buying this as a possibility yet WWE pushes it week after week. Now earlier this week, Cena defeated AJ Styles on “Smackdown Live”, earning the right to go to “Fastlane 2018” as part of the Six Pack Challenge for the Smackdown World Title. Let’s say that falls through as well. Today we’re going to look at some more creative ways that Cena could go to “Wrestlemania XXXIV”, just in case WWE decides that he’s not good enough to fill one of the more traditional roles on the card.

Lingerie Pillow Fight

Ok, hear me out on this one. If there’s one thing you hear fans complaining about, it’s not having enough of the past around them anymore. The women’s division has made some great strides, but there are always going to be some fans who long for a different era. Maybe one where it was all about the non-wrestling and just about putting the participants out there in, ahem, a certain kind of presentation.

Why not let Cena be the nostalgia guy? Have him wear whatever would count as lingerie (he can wear it over his regular gear like Asuka) and beat the heck out of some goof (Heath Slater would be appropriate) with a few pillows before hitting the Attitude Adjustment. I mean, it’s no proposal to Nikki Bella for a reality show but it gets him where he wants to go. You know he could make it work too.

Cena could be a trailblazer!

Raw: Diva Pajama Pillow Fight Match

Impersonate Juan Cena

Now some of you might not remember this, but after Cena was fired by Wade Barrett back in 2010, John’s cousin Juan made a few guest appearances at house shows in John’s place. They have a very similar physique, wardrobe and wrestling style, but I can assure you they’re different people (Juan has a scar on his cheek, which you can see, if you remove his mask of course).

Why not have John call up his cousin and ask to borrow the mask? Juan is an international superstar (former partner of El Generico if I remember correctly) and would easily be snatched up for a show this big. It appeals to a more international audience and if Cena works hard enough at it, he can make the whole thing work. Just throw him in the battle royal and let him blend in before eliminating himself like Mil Mascaras in the 1997 Royal Rumble.

Pyro Guy

One of the biggest criticisms of the last year has been the lack of WWE having any form of pyrotechnics on its shows. In the name of cutting costs, WWE has basically stopped using them on their shows and it’s become rather noticeable. Earlier this year on “Monday Night Raw”, there was a very visible “I Miss Pyro” sign. Here’s where Cena can come in handy.

If Cena is willing to pay for the pyro for the night, he can be on the show. Give him a name graphic or something labeling him the Pyro Master or a similar title, but it lets him make the show. He’s not exactly a poor man and if it means that much to him to go to Wrestlemania, let him open his wallet and buy his way in.

Buy a Ticket

Remember what I said about letting him buy his way in? This works for 70,000+ people so let him be like one of the regular folks. I’ve been to three Wrestlemanias this way and it’ll be four this year. Why can’t Cena just do it like so many other people do?

I could picture him in this video.

WrestleMania 34 tickets go on sale Nov. 17

New Day’s Pancake Cook

You know full well that New Day is going to be doing something with pancakes at the show (I’d assume the Pancake Patterson cameo goes without saying) and someone has to cook those things. Cena doesn’t have a lot of experience as a cook but that didn’t stop Shawn Michaels that one time HHH had to go and find him. It’s a tradition in wrestling so let’s see what Cena can do with it.

If Cena’s career is winding down, let him latch on to one of the hottest things in wrestling over the last few years. New Day is capable of getting things over through sheer willpower and if anyone knows about wearing bright colors and occasionally saying things that make no sense, it’s Cena. Let him cook all those pancakes that New Day is going to carry, perhaps on a cart like they had last year with the ice cream (how they never sold that is still beyond me).

Jeff Jarrett’s New Roadie

This one is a layup. Cena already goes all over the world anyway (“Spend my days working hard on the go.”), is obsessed with time being up (“But the hands on the clock keep spinning too slow.”) and is engaged to a gorgeous woman (“I can’t wait to be alone with my baby tonight.”). Also, the original Roadie switched over to rap at one point (“Get rowdy!”).

Throw in the fact that “Smackdown Live’s” head writer is the former Roadie and this should be a cinch. Cena has dominated (ok at least performed in) a variety of fields so why not have him try country music? If the WWE thing doesn’t work out, I’m sure Jarrett can get him in touch with someone at Impact Wrestling. This could be quite lucrative if Cena plays his cards right, or at least carries the guitar (He’s carried people for years so a bunch of guitars should be easy).

Everyone needs to see this again.

Watch Jeff Jarrett's "With My Baby Tonight" music video

Stephanie McMahon’s Personal Cheerleader

Oh come on you know she’d go for this in a heartbeat. If there’s one thing McMahon is known for, its her ego. What is going to make her feel like a bigger deal than to have Cena as her cheerleader before she has to go and get destroyed by Ronda Rousey? If nothing else have Cena deliver some speech about her so we don’t have to deal with that screeching.

Again, there’s a history here and since Cena has tried to humiliate her so many times over the years, it would make sense to have him out there getting humiliated in exchange for making it to Wrestlemania. It would be bigger than most matches he could have as McMahon is always going to get the spotlight, so let Cena be in the big leagues where he belongs.

One of HHH’s….Whatevers

If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s HHH having some ridiculous, over the top entrance. Be it with Charlotte/Sasha Banks/Alexa Bliss at “Wrestlemania XXX” (the guy has good taste), with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator thing at “Wrestlemania XXXI”, the Mad Max thing at “Wrestlemania XXXII” or with Stephanie as the biker chick at “Wrestlemania XXXIII” (the guy has REALLY good taste), his entrance is going to be big and it’s going to have a lot of extras.

Cena and HHH have faced off at Wrestlemania before as they headlined “Wrestlemania XXII”. It was Cena winning that night and you know HHH isn’t going to take that lying down. Let him get a little bit back from Cena by having him be one of HHH’s….whatevers this year. If nothing else, it could help expand Cena’s acting range, which brings us to the next option.

Give him a skull mask and a title.

Triple H makes his entrance at AT&T Stadium: WrestleMania 32, only on WWE Network

Wrestlemania Host, But Only As Ferdinand the Bull

So as you know, Cena is becoming a bigger deal in the acting world. This included the recent family film “Ferdinand”, in which Cena plays the title character, a bull. What better way to cross promote (you know WWE is going to be behind the times on pop culture) than to have Ferdinand host the show?

It’s not like the host has much to do anyway so let Cena see what he can do with the role. It could help the DVD sales of the movie and appeal to kids at the same time. The story Cena has been doing about not getting to Wrestlemania has been bull anyway so let him be the actual thing on the show instead.

Get the Tables For the Dudley Boyz

Give D-Von a weekend off for once. It’s his Hall of Fame induction.

They’re going where they belong.

The Dudley Boyz’ Table Rampages: WWE Top 10

Cena has made it his mission in life at this point to make it to “Wrestlemania XXXIV”. For some reason this seems to only be possible in some big match. I have no idea why Cena can’t get that there are other ways to get in there and several of them don’t even involve being in a match. Really, see what else is out there. He has to do something else when his career winds down and this could be the preview for a lot of those options.


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